A Letter to Myself After Walking Away From My Abusive Relationship

Written by Writer’s Corps member Amanda Phillips

[This is a letter written to the woman I was 9 months ago. These are the things she needed to hear, and that I can now put a voice to after months of therapy and healing space. This is everything I wish someone had said to me on the morning after I left my abusive relationship.]

Dear Amanda, 

First of all, take a deep breath. There are a lot of things that you need to do right now, and the first one is to just breathe. Second of all, take your time. Get out of bed slowly, if and when you are able. When you do, take a look at the woman in the mirror. She has a whole world to rebuild. If that sounds daunting, try to reallocate that weight to be hopeful for the new and beautiful things that I can see from where we are now. It’s going to take some time for you to get here, and that time will not always be easy, and that’s okay. Healing is like that. Third – and you may not be ready to believe this yet, but we’ve got to break the ice on this – none of this was your fault.

You thought you could fix him; save him. You thought that if you stayed, he would finally love you in the right way, instead of the way that kept you isolated, and up at night, and hiding things. You offered that man every square inch of warmth in your heart. The fact that it didn’t heal him says nothing of any insufficiency on your part, and everything of how cold and despondent he really must have been, despite your best efforts to see the situation in any other light. 

Here’s what you need to know. Not to spoil the ending, but your life has absolutely expanded in his absence. But his departure doesn’t get the credit for that; your life would have expanded regardless. You know who you are, what your purpose on this planet is, what you deserve, where you’re headed, what you are worth. You have always known, and those things were never contingent on his staying or leaving, but it sure is easier to hear all of that without his voice in your ear constantly telling you that you are too much, to slow down on your dreams, or:

“That didn’t happen.

And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.

And if it was, it’s not a big deal.

And if it is, it wasn’t my fault.

And if it was, I didn’t mean it.

And if I did, you deserved it.”

That voice is gone now. I know you don’t really know what to do without it, but hear this – there are better, kinder, more truthful voices coming to take its place. You don’t have to listen that one, The Wrong One, anymore – and I’m sorry that you ever felt like you had to in the first place. The good news is that you found the strength to walk away from it; that was a hard thing, even though most people talk about it like it should have been a really easy decision. They mean that with love; only some people really know the extent of the hold he had on you, the power of abuse, and even fewer people know the whole story, which is that he stripped you of your identity and made it sound like he was doing you a favor, made you feel like you had to stay, and even worse — that you had to keep how terrible things really were all to yourself — and you spent months too paralyzed to look for a way out.

But you did find it — the courage to leave, rather than exist in a world where you took whatever you could get and accepted that you were merely tolerable instead of exquisite and radiant and unstoppable, which are all things you only realized that you are after he left and you had to wake up in a quiet house and look in the mirror again.

His house was cold; his heart even moreso. There were no mirrors on the walls there, though. You couldn’t see the strong woman in the mirror. You’ll wonder later if this was intentional.

But it’s your first morning. It’s your first morning turning over a new leaf. And it’s really hard here. The girl you’re looking at in the mirror – I know that she’s terrified. Be there. Be terrified for a minute – or angry, scared, sad. Feel those things, and stay with them until you figure out what they have to teach you. It would be really easy to just call and let him back in for the 400thtime, and start the whole cycle over, which he will invite you to do, peppered with the same old things he doesn’t mean like, “I’m sorry” and, “it was the bourbon” and, “but you’re the love of my life.”

You may have been, but he wasn’t yours, and that is all released to the wind now.
There is actual love out there.
You have so much of it within you; nurture that for a while. Breathe. Take your time. 

None of this was your fault, but oh, you will grow from it. 
The girl in the mirror will smile again, soon enough. 
She will find joy, and pour herself into things that will flourish.
The anger and fear and confusion will pop their heads in from time to time.
They’re still around, but they will be the white noise behind laughter, 
singing in the car, life stories in coffee shops, 
or under the stars.

Life will be abundant again. Write that on the mirror, in case she forgets. 
— in case she forgets that love is coming.

Love,

Yourself. Always.

Lupus Warrior or Worrier

So I never put out a prayer request or complain about my health as much as I actually experience health issues... but let me explain how lupus is a “silent illness”. We appear okay even when we are not and sometimes we are okay at lunch but by dinner we are in the ER. 

Here’s an example-  I went out for dinner and drinks with new friends two days ago. You probably saw the pics...but you didn’t see the part with me sitting down in agony and them taking care of me with copious amounts of water and lemons (oh and they hunted down peppermint too). I even went to work yesterday sick and smiling (and well dressed might I add- after gaining 12 pounds in two weeks and almost crying bc I couldn’t fit my intended dress) ...but my coworkers expressed some concern about the strange sound that didn’t sound like any kind of sound they’d heard before (probably bc they think it’s actually my heart and my lungs in tandem) that I dismissed- of course...

I posted on FB  yesterday and this morning like all is well (it is actually) not wanting to tell the world that I’m in the hospital- yet again- for fighting phucking lupus. 

I hate lupus. 

I hate hate hate hate lupus.

I try to smile and press through, keep my faith,  and I do try to listen to my body. I will admit (yes I’m confessing) I feel embarrassed and ashamed for being struck with this damn chronic illness. I feel ashamed for sometimes being scared when I am a woman of strong faith. I hear constantly that faith and fear don’t mix so I dig in to speak life over myself and claim my healing but I actually do get scared. 

Then there’s this-  I was taught by my mom to do all things with grace. I try to make it appear easy. Therefore, I don’t want to complain, always have people worry, give updates on my health status, because- as much as I get sick and go in the hospital with this horrible illness-  i realize it is easy for anyone outside to misinterpret my intentions and to even add “she doesn’t look sick” or “she wants attention” or “here we go again”. 

So instead- while sick-  I work. I do my house work. I shop. I attempt to dance. I exercise. I sing. I laugh, and I do yoga. Why?...  because I am a fighter. I’m a #lupuswarrior BUT ... I landed my butt back in the hospital AGAIN. 

Not only am I embarrassed to call out of work, I am embarrassed to spend a day in bed healing myself- because I was taught that laying around means you’re lazy.. I am afraid to be a burden to anyone and I am also afraid of being judged. 

The saddest part for me is that I pretend to feel good just so I don’t push people away by being sick. Someone said that true friends and those that matter will never walk away from you because you’re ill. I’ve read of countless people who have lost husbands, wives, family, friends, their jobs, their livelihood, and dare I say, their futures all because of lupus!

So YES!  I need your prayers. I need prayers to stop beating myself up and worrying others will get tired of having a sick me in their lives. I know God as HEALER. 

My biggest problem is ME. So yes pray for me please. Thank you. 

Just Be

Do you ever feel overwhelmed by the need to "get things done", accomplish enormous tasks, or even just "stay busy"? Have you ever asked yourself, "why?"

Many of us have a tendency to be less than content with our current status, no matter how much we have actually accomplished any given day or even over the span of years. We are always pondering the next step, attempting to plan and to coordinate, often times bringing others into our great idea or plan, while placing unnecessary stress on ourselves and on others we have involved.

Today's society is one of immediate gratification and multi-tasking. We press a button on the telephone and can see and talk to our loved one. We press another button on the phone to send a quick text, while still on the phone with another person! We can even press another button to order a driver to pull up and either take us somewhere or drop off food or other items! We can press buttons and make things happen. When we get tired of those things, there's even another button to press to move us onto fulfilling our next moment with pictures, movies, memes.. you get the idea.

The constant button pushing and gratification instills in us the need to always stay busy or to plan. When it becomes overwhelming, it is a huge indicator that we must ground ourselves in the present moment and "just be".

When we feel like we must constantly press forward to the next moment or plan for the next day, we miss the opportunity to appreciate ourselves, our lives, and our present step on our paths. 

"Mindfulness" is a word you may have heard or maybe have even practiced from time to time. To be mindful is rather paradoxical, because you are actually getting "out of your mind" as opposed to "into your mind".

Mindfulness is not equated to reflecting on appreciating ourselves; instead it helps us to reflect on the beauty, the calmness, the peace and joy that exists in the present. We then appreciate through our inaction. We become less anxious and more productive.

How? How can I not plan, not execute, but become more productive?

A mind at rest is able to reset.  A mind at rest is able to look at a hummingbird suspended in the air while sipping on the delicious nectar of a beautiful flower. A mind at rest is able to hear the still voice speaking to us that leads us and guides us on our journey. A mind at rest is able to take in the wonderful sensations the Creator has given us through our five (six if you're wise- smile) senses. When we quiet our minds and observe the world around us, a miraculous transformation takes place. We begin to have greater clarity. We are able to tap into our peace and our joy.

We learn to be content in this present moment.

We often think that when we accomplish the next thing, when we meet and marry the next person, when we land the next job, when we amass a certain amount of money, we will be happy and content. Mindfulness reminds us that our peace and our joy are already here, already within, not somewhere "out there" to which we must strive.

Mindfulness gives us the ability to change our perspective, to heal ourselves, to replenish, and to rejuvenate. Mindfulness eases anxiety and helps to get rid of automatic thoughts, even ruminating thoughts that cause us distress.

When was the last time you "stopped to look at the roses?" Have you become so busy with thinking that you have lost the desire to just observe?

1. Have you stopped to listen? What do you hear?
2. Have you stopped to smell? What do you smell?
3. Have you stopped to look? What do you see?
4. Have you stopped to feel? How does your body feel? How does your bottom feel in your seat, your back on your bed? How do your teeth feel when you brush them?
5. Have you stopped to taste? How fast do you eat your meals and snacks? Do you take the time to savor them, the sweetness, the sour, the bitter, the hint of saltiness, etc.?

Allow yourself to "just be".We are here...now... and this is a great place to be.

There is an old adage that says "slow down and smell the coffee." Obviously those who have traveled this road before us knew the benefit of mindfulness, of staying in the moment, for appreciating everything around us.

So pick, to start, at least 15 minutes of each day to just sit and quietly observe those things that are outside of yourself.

Sit in silence and just listen. You will be suprised by what you will hear.

You will then see your life- transform- you will "just be'.

For the queens who are mirrors to our kings

I’ve never been one to worry about how much money a man makes, but when you are in the ”upper echelon of society” (as they explain when you begin a doctorate program), you have to recognize anyone who isn’t in or above your tax bracket won’t be able to accept that there is no competition, that you are not trying to be smarter than them, or that you don’t think you’re better than them. 

I do not judge anyone for their educational level or their net worth, but I have learned a valuable lesson from ignoring the warnings of those great minds who came before me.

A lot of insecurities arise when you don’t “need” a man and you’re already doing things he has never even experienced.. So now your “man” has become your biggest competitor. His nature gives him the desire to lead and provide. He finds his worth in the provision... so if you don’t need him to be your provider, he’s forced to accept that he is loved as his authentic self. 

That’s when the insecurities comes out...Some men cannot handle knowing they cannot give you the lifestyle you can give yourself (or more) AND others can’t accept your motivation to help them increase their net worth through investments or business ventures. 

Some men don’t understand how to be loved without being financially needed. 

You have to get to the point where you realize money actually is an issue, even when there are no money problems. Some people have been raised to survive and are content with a little extra, but they are still afraid to soar, to achieve greatness, to even dream or execute a vision. They are afraid of their own limitless potential, because they’re afraid to fail. 

Beware of those people. You can be their friends, even best friends, but avoid the bitterness that comes when your “success” forces them to not only strive for more, but also to look in the mirror to find their authentic selves. You are their mirror! They may not even know who they are when the provider role is removed.

We grow spiritually and awaken to ourselves at different paces. I pray my own blessings will inspire others to greatness, and I’m still striving for even greater. 

I will NEVER judge anyone for stagnation or contentment, and I pray they learn to know they are worth so much more. I pray they remember that God has promised us all lives better than we could ever imagine. I pray all kings (and queens) stand on God’s promises. You are our helpmates but God is our Source! 

To the kings- Never grow bitter with someone who is sent to make you realize there is so much more to life if you’d only allow yourself to know who you are when money and degrees and job titles are removed from the equation. When a QUEEN like me sees a KING for who he is..  he needs to know none of those things matter.. still- Never stop growing. Never stop leveling up! Chase your dreams and allow your queen to inspire you and motivate you to greatness. We are here to remind you YOU ARE A KING and are capable of achieving the unimaginable - with God leading the way! 

Be Thankful: Gratitude Check

All around us are alarming stories of tragedy and of loss, but have we become so desensitized to death and loss?

Television reports of mass murders, hurricanes, floods, wildfires, police shootings, missing children, carjackings, home invasions, murder suicides, and other tragedies show us what’s happening in the world BUT have you stopped to think about the people affected by these tragedies?

Have you taken a defensive stance against protecting your life, limb, and home without really reflecting on the impact such a tragedy would have on you and the ones you love?

Take for a moment to look around and take an inventory of what you have... where will you start?

Is it your house? Your car? Your family? These are the most obvious things for which we are thankful, yet we still often fail to show appreciation to others in our family.

When was the last time you woke up and thanked God for your house or your car, your spouse, or your child?? Some of us operate in gratitude and continuously give thanks for all things and for everyone. The sad fact is that the closest we are to our last close call or our last loss- the more gratitude we express.

Now let’s examine even further our gratitude.

Have you ever been thankful for your bed? After a long hard day at work and driving home in the rain, people often say they can’t wait to get home to their beds. What about a regular day? What if something happened that caused you to lose your house? What if your home was blown away? Would you miss your bed and all of your other belongings that were blown away with the force of the wind or flooded beyond repair?

There are many people who pray for what you have.

You name it, someone is praying for it right now. The child that causes you so much stress, the wife who keeps nagging you to build that swing, the husband who alwayss misses the basket when he throws his work clothes on the floor.... I can go on.

There is someone praying for the love and companionship of a spouse. There are also those mourning the loss of children and spouses to senseless acts of crime; even suicide and illness have taken people away from those who love them.... we often hear “tell your family you love them while they are still alive” (and you are too).

May we translate that also into give God thanks and praise for the people in your life- no matter how challenging?

People are quick to make jokes about those less fortunate.

Some pick on people who love in trailer parks. Some pick on people who sleep on air mattresses, but what if you found yourself in the middle of a tragedy, attempting to put all the pieces together? Imagine looking at the rubble that used to be your home and wondering where you will lay your head. Even if you found yourself fortunate to stay in a hotel, because you were loaded with insurance and savings, would you still miss your bed, your house, and all of your belongings?

 Have you thanked God for those things?

Take a moment to write out a list of everything you could lose in the blink of an eye......


Now. Give God praise for each of these things. Vow to never again make fun of or judge another based on what they do not have. You could be next.

God works in mysterious ways.

Be thankful. Practice gratitude..

Self-Love through Spiritual Growth- A reflective exercise

If someone were to ask you if you love yourself, your response would likely be "of course". But are you sure?

Sometimes God will put us in situations to learn how to truly love ourselves. Often times, God will use someone we love to show us how to love ourselves. Take for example a relationship that you've endured in which you stayed in way too long.

Was there some point that you "woke up" and said "I deserve better than this?"

Are you still settling, holding out that someone will change and eventually treat you the way you want/deserve to be treated?

Leaving a toxic relationship or other toxic environment (e.g., a job) is an act of self-love. What we must remember is that had we truly loved ourselves, we would not have allowed ourselves to stay in these toxic relationships/environments for long.

Self-love involves knowing our worth. 

Self-love involves deciding not to settle.

Self-love involves setting boundaries.

Most of all, self-love involves knowing what to and what not to accept.

Although there may be someone else who pushes us to the point of leaving, this someone else is a mirror unto ourselves. This someone else tests our self-love. 

When we find ourselves afraid to set boundaries for fear of being abandoned, we have some growth to do. What are we afraid of? This situation causes us to examine our fears and the root of our fears. Remember, perfect love casts out all fear. 1 John 4:18

When we find ourselves allowing ourselves to feel "less than", "unappreciated", "taken for granted", "inferior", "unworthy", we are not loving ourselves. 

What keeps us in situations where we feel "less than"? God says you are the head and not the tail, above and not beneath (Deuteronomy 28:13). But what must you do to allow yourself to truly feel that way? The verse shares the solution "if you pay attention to the commands of the Lord your God that I give you this day and closely follow them..." What is God telling you about the relationship/environment? Is He telling you to leave?

It is vital that we view ourselves and our relationships/situations from a spiritual lens. This is what leads to growth. It is unlearning all of the negative things we've been taught about life and about ourselves and instead focusing on God's Word regarding our self-image and promises for our lives.

What has God told us about who we are? 

I am the Creator and you are my creation. I breathed into your nostrils the breath of life (Genesis 2:7). I created you in my own image (Genesis 1:27). My eyes saw your unformed substance (Psalm 139:16). I knit you together in your mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13). I know the number of hairs on your head, and before a word is on your tongue I know it (Matthew 10:30; Psalm 139:4). You are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).

Have you ever stopped to ask, “What does God think about me? Who does he say that I am?”

YOU ARE VALUABLE

You are more valuable than many sparrows (Matthew 10:31). I have given you dominion over all sheep and oxen and all beasts of the field and birds of the heavens and fish of the sea (Psalm 8:6–8; Genesis 1:26, 28). I have crowned you with glory and honor as the pinnacle and final act of the six days of creation (Psalm 8:5; Genesis 1:26).

  

What has God promised you? Are you living the life He promised?

I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.  John 10:10

Take a moment to reflect on these things......

Now, recognize that anytime you feel in opposition about what God says about you, you are not practicing self-love. Anytime you feel inferior, unworthy, etc., you are outside of God's declaration of you as a child of the Most High God. 

You must accept your worth in the eyes of God before you can feel worthy of HIS Promises. Abundance of life is not about money, but God promises you abundant peace, abundant joy, abundance in all areas of your life, so that your life may be full. 

Why are you giving away your peace and joy by remaining in a situation that is stealing it?

When you no longer settle, when you no longer tolerate being treated poorly, when you no longer attempt to hold out under the guise of suffering for someone else to treat you the way you deserve to be treated, then you can truly say you love yourself. You truly have experienced the self-love that leads to self-growth.

Meditate on these things to experience the spiritual growth that leads to increased self-love.

KjB

Whose glasses are these?

Social Work, as any other profession, carries its own Code Of Ethics. What sets social workers apart, while applying this Code of Ethics, is our uncanning ability to recognize the person in the environment( a.k.a. Ecosystemic perspective). As Social Workers we remain focused on our clients/consumers as we assist them through interactions with systems within their own ecosystems.

As we attempt to advocate for our clients/consumers within different systems (e.g. Juvenile Justice, Family and Children Sevices, and education) we may observe that each system has its own view of "the problem". For example, several parents with whom I work, feel helpless when navigating the system of juvenile justice due to its tendency to observe problematic behaviors in children/adolescents as a "parenting issue". Parents experience shame after being questioned about their discipline practices, how they supervise their adolescents while working overtime or two jobs, and etc. One must step back and consider how these often conflicting views affect our clients/consumers and parents' views of themselves.

Often times when we become involved, parents have already been accused of creating or not doing enough to circumvent the "problems" their children display. When we "meet them where they are" we find we meet them beaten down by the traditional systems they lean on for support.

Certainly, not every educator views "the problem" from a specific lens; most educators do view problematic behaviors in school as a need to contact parents to "intervene".

Development of IEPs, although not the first proactive measure, includes testing and recommendations through a psychoeducational evaluation by a psychologist who may or may not take precipitating factors into consideration. Psychologists may provide recommendations based on their findings and some provide a diagnosis based on self report and standardized testing. However psychologists also have a different "lens" as their own profession emphasizes on the child as the "patient" or "the problem".

Parent teacher conferences may discuss ways to assist the consumer with being more focused on education and may even elicit a screening for special education/student supports. Support usually begins with requesting the parent to serve as an enforcer of the school's rules to include completion of homework, lectures of respecting teachers, staying on task, and etc.
Parents may become overwhelmed when their main goal is to get their children up and dressed and on a school bus and or to even have their children come home after school. Too often parents begin to "trust the authority" of the school system to make decisions regarding their child's behaviors, hoping to address "the problem" from an educator's point of view. As a result the development of IEPs are often created from the psychologists and educators perspective.

Even as advocates we as Social
Workers are faced with attempting to have other systems view our clients and families through our Social Worker lenses. By tradition, we are considered those who "want to save the world" by the same systems that are in place to be an extension of socialization and support for our clients and families.
We may assist in the developments of the IEP, and make recommendations to the probation officer or DFCS. We may all feel that everything is addressed and everyone's happy discussing lunch options and networking. The next day our clients/families are seen through the specific lens of the same system which we visited the day prior. The next "incident" then becomes the catalyst that perpetuates the cycle many parents experience with the systems responsible for coordinating their children's care.

Luckily, there are Social Workers in all systems. There are school Social
Workers, Social Workers who serve as probation officers, special education teachers who are also Social Workers, Social
Worker attorneys, and etc.

After years of facing a beaurocracy that encompasses a different view of the "problem" the ecosystemic perspective may get tucked away as our colleagues attempt to work within their individual beurocratic systems. Some of our very own colleagues have their own lenses tainted by the experience in their dual systems that any hope of incorporating a view of the person in the environment while providing services becomes lost.

As Social Workers we must always remain aware of the different perspectives of which our consumers are intertwined. We are generally involved for brief intervention services and will not always be around to advocate for our clients. We must empower our consumers and families to recognize when a systematic perspective affects their desired outcomes through interactions with these systems.

Without such education our consumers/families will continue to face the same perceived adversaries and possibly return to a state of helplessness. Most importantly, however, is that we charge the Social Workers who work in these systems to help address this mismatch of views with those who provide direct assistance to our clients/families. Continue to advocate, to educate, to serve as liaisons between systems. Please do not let your lenses be tainted by your lived experience in these systems. You are forever a Social Worker! After all we really do strive to "save the world".

Kelly J Brown,LMSW