Lupus Warrior or Worrier

So I never put out a prayer request or complain about my health as much as I actually experience health issues... but let me explain how lupus is a “silent illness”. We appear okay even when we are not and sometimes we are okay at lunch but by dinner we are in the ER. 

Here’s an example-  I went out for dinner and drinks with new friends two days ago. You probably saw the pics...but you didn’t see the part with me sitting down in agony and them taking care of me with copious amounts of water and lemons (oh and they hunted down peppermint too). I even went to work yesterday sick and smiling (and well dressed might I add- after gaining 12 pounds in two weeks and almost crying bc I couldn’t fit my intended dress) ...but my coworkers expressed some concern about the strange sound that didn’t sound like any kind of sound they’d heard before (probably bc they think it’s actually my heart and my lungs in tandem) that I dismissed- of course...

I posted on FB  yesterday and this morning like all is well (it is actually) not wanting to tell the world that I’m in the hospital- yet again- for fighting phucking lupus. 

I hate lupus. 

I hate hate hate hate lupus.

I try to smile and press through, keep my faith,  and I do try to listen to my body. I will admit (yes I’m confessing) I feel embarrassed and ashamed for being struck with this damn chronic illness. I feel ashamed for sometimes being scared when I am a woman of strong faith. I hear constantly that faith and fear don’t mix so I dig in to speak life over myself and claim my healing but I actually do get scared. 

Then there’s this-  I was taught by my mom to do all things with grace. I try to make it appear easy. Therefore, I don’t want to complain, always have people worry, give updates on my health status, because- as much as I get sick and go in the hospital with this horrible illness-  i realize it is easy for anyone outside to misinterpret my intentions and to even add “she doesn’t look sick” or “she wants attention” or “here we go again”. 

So instead- while sick-  I work. I do my house work. I shop. I attempt to dance. I exercise. I sing. I laugh, and I do yoga. Why?...  because I am a fighter. I’m a #lupuswarrior BUT ... I landed my butt back in the hospital AGAIN. 

Not only am I embarrassed to call out of work, I am embarrassed to spend a day in bed healing myself- because I was taught that laying around means you’re lazy.. I am afraid to be a burden to anyone and I am also afraid of being judged. 

The saddest part for me is that I pretend to feel good just so I don’t push people away by being sick. Someone said that true friends and those that matter will never walk away from you because you’re ill. I’ve read of countless people who have lost husbands, wives, family, friends, their jobs, their livelihood, and dare I say, their futures all because of lupus!

So YES!  I need your prayers. I need prayers to stop beating myself up and worrying others will get tired of having a sick me in their lives. I know God as HEALER. 

My biggest problem is ME. So yes pray for me please. Thank you. 

Just Be

Do you ever feel overwhelmed by the need to "get things done", accomplish enormous tasks, or even just "stay busy"? Have you ever asked yourself, "why?"

Many of us have a tendency to be less than content with our current status, no matter how much we have actually accomplished any given day or even over the span of years. We are always pondering the next step, attempting to plan and to coordinate, often times bringing others into our great idea or plan, while placing unnecessary stress on ourselves and on others we have involved.

Today's society is one of immediate gratification and multi-tasking. We press a button on the telephone and can see and talk to our loved one. We press another button on the phone to send a quick text, while still on the phone with another person! We can even press another button to order a driver to pull up and either take us somewhere or drop off food or other items! We can press buttons and make things happen. When we get tired of those things, there's even another button to press to move us onto fulfilling our next moment with pictures, movies, memes.. you get the idea.

The constant button pushing and gratification instills in us the need to always stay busy or to plan. When it becomes overwhelming, it is a huge indicator that we must ground ourselves in the present moment and "just be".

When we feel like we must constantly press forward to the next moment or plan for the next day, we miss the opportunity to appreciate ourselves, our lives, and our present step on our paths. 

"Mindfulness" is a word you may have heard or maybe have even practiced from time to time. To be mindful is rather paradoxical, because you are actually getting "out of your mind" as opposed to "into your mind".

Mindfulness is not equated to reflecting on appreciating ourselves; instead it helps us to reflect on the beauty, the calmness, the peace and joy that exists in the present. We then appreciate through our inaction. We become less anxious and more productive.

How? How can I not plan, not execute, but become more productive?

A mind at rest is able to reset.  A mind at rest is able to look at a hummingbird suspended in the air while sipping on the delicious nectar of a beautiful flower. A mind at rest is able to hear the still voice speaking to us that leads us and guides us on our journey. A mind at rest is able to take in the wonderful sensations the Creator has given us through our five (six if you're wise- smile) senses. When we quiet our minds and observe the world around us, a miraculous transformation takes place. We begin to have greater clarity. We are able to tap into our peace and our joy.

We learn to be content in this present moment.

We often think that when we accomplish the next thing, when we meet and marry the next person, when we land the next job, when we amass a certain amount of money, we will be happy and content. Mindfulness reminds us that our peace and our joy are already here, already within, not somewhere "out there" to which we must strive.

Mindfulness gives us the ability to change our perspective, to heal ourselves, to replenish, and to rejuvenate. Mindfulness eases anxiety and helps to get rid of automatic thoughts, even ruminating thoughts that cause us distress.

When was the last time you "stopped to look at the roses?" Have you become so busy with thinking that you have lost the desire to just observe?

1. Have you stopped to listen? What do you hear?
2. Have you stopped to smell? What do you smell?
3. Have you stopped to look? What do you see?
4. Have you stopped to feel? How does your body feel? How does your bottom feel in your seat, your back on your bed? How do your teeth feel when you brush them?
5. Have you stopped to taste? How fast do you eat your meals and snacks? Do you take the time to savor them, the sweetness, the sour, the bitter, the hint of saltiness, etc.?

Allow yourself to "just be".We are here...now... and this is a great place to be.

There is an old adage that says "slow down and smell the coffee." Obviously those who have traveled this road before us knew the benefit of mindfulness, of staying in the moment, for appreciating everything around us.

So pick, to start, at least 15 minutes of each day to just sit and quietly observe those things that are outside of yourself.

Sit in silence and just listen. You will be suprised by what you will hear.

You will then see your life- transform- you will "just be'.

For the queens who are mirrors to our kings

I’ve never been one to worry about how much money a man makes, but when you are in the ”upper echelon of society” (as they explain when you begin a doctorate program), you have to recognize anyone who isn’t in or above your tax bracket won’t be able to accept that there is no competition, that you are not trying to be smarter than them, or that you don’t think you’re better than them. 

I do not judge anyone for their educational level or their net worth, but I have learned a valuable lesson from ignoring the warnings of those great minds who came before me.

A lot of insecurities arise when you don’t “need” a man and you’re already doing things he has never even experienced.. So now your “man” has become your biggest competitor. His nature gives him the desire to lead and provide. He finds his worth in the provision... so if you don’t need him to be your provider, he’s forced to accept that he is loved as his authentic self. 

That’s when the insecurities comes out...Some men cannot handle knowing they cannot give you the lifestyle you can give yourself (or more) AND others can’t accept your motivation to help them increase their net worth through investments or business ventures. 

Some men don’t understand how to be loved without being financially needed. 

You have to get to the point where you realize money actually is an issue, even when there are no money problems. Some people have been raised to survive and are content with a little extra, but they are still afraid to soar, to achieve greatness, to even dream or execute a vision. They are afraid of their own limitless potential, because they’re afraid to fail. 

Beware of those people. You can be their friends, even best friends, but avoid the bitterness that comes when your “success” forces them to not only strive for more, but also to look in the mirror to find their authentic selves. You are their mirror! They may not even know who they are when the provider role is removed.

We grow spiritually and awaken to ourselves at different paces. I pray my own blessings will inspire others to greatness, and I’m still striving for even greater. 

I will NEVER judge anyone for stagnation or contentment, and I pray they learn to know they are worth so much more. I pray they remember that God has promised us all lives better than we could ever imagine. I pray all kings (and queens) stand on God’s promises. You are our helpmates but God is our Source! 

To the kings- Never grow bitter with someone who is sent to make you realize there is so much more to life if you’d only allow yourself to know who you are when money and degrees and job titles are removed from the equation. When a QUEEN like me sees a KING for who he is..  he needs to know none of those things matter.. still- Never stop growing. Never stop leveling up! Chase your dreams and allow your queen to inspire you and motivate you to greatness. We are here to remind you YOU ARE A KING and are capable of achieving the unimaginable - with God leading the way!